My Dog Bites Me
He is there, right before me and my destination. He knows where I want to go. And I know what he will do if I do it too quickly, too slowly, or in a manner that he deems not appropriate. He stares at my feet. Jumping on his four paws, he warns me of the oncoming pain. We have danced through the same routine night after night. But it doesn’t change anything: he is of the wolf lineage, and he cannot betray his ancestors through inaction.
I jump on the bed, jumping over him while doing so. His reaction is just as immediate, jumping twice his height, reaching the bed. Ready to bite me, with eyes as wild as his teeth. Slowly I sit and get into position. Now it’s the hard part: putting the blanket on my body.
Pinching the blanket, I pull it slowly towards myself self, My dog jumps on it, letting out a growl. He is not having it. “I should distract him somehow”, I think to myself. Looking around, there is nothing. Trying to move my wife’s blanket doesn’t result in anything.
Suddenly, I see it, his chew-treat that he carefully hid on the centre most layer of the blanket, truly invisible to every blind aggressor out there.
I put the treat in my hand, and move it in front of him, trying to make it seductive to him. I definitely have his attention. I throw it on the ground. He leaps towards it, and I jump at the now-free blanket, putting it on my body.
He notices this, turns around, he is not making this mistake again, at least not for the rest of the night!
Feeling over-confident, I try to adjust the blanket with my right foot’s toe. And that was the final straw. He jumps and bites my foot and then my ass, barking behind each push of his teeth into my skin. I scratch a little, a pinch of blood.
I start petting him to calm him down. He starts to cool down. I pet him more. Finally, content that I will not move any more, he jumps down the bed, on his own bed, by the foot of our bed.
It is unclear to me why my dog plays this same game every night, and mostly only with me. He doesn’t bite my wife as much. But every night at 11 o’clock, he has to bite while I’m getting in the bed. If we are staying awake longer, he will come and growl at us, communicating in his own way that “I’m tired, let’s get it over with”.
You might think this is an undesirable behaviour. Something that we should train him out of. But I find it funny. I would never ever opt out of it. He, for some reason, takes this to be his duty. I’m not sure why, but he is really dedicated to this. He has been for over 7 years now. And every night it is a bonding ritual we have, just like morning cuddles, or sitting by the porch after his walks. That painful moment does not come with suffering. It comes with exhilaration. And I miss it every night I’m away from him. Or he is unwell and too tired for it.
I don’t know. It might sound masochistic. But his cute face while growling, it is too precious to forgo.
Wait…
Oh, goddamn it! I forgot to take my pills! Fuuuuuuuck!